The First Rule Of Consulting…
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
This is truly a lesson to live by. You will never regret saying less and listening more.
By now this phrase is sinking in and you are nodding your head…or at least thinking to yourself…”hmmm, that is SO TRUE!”
Next, you are beginning to ask yourself, when do I do this? When do I not do this? And WHY?
It’s safe to say, if you are anything like me, you tend not to do this as often as you should. Why is it so difficult for us to listen?
Why don’t we enter more conversations seeking to understand the person or group of people we are talking to?
Is it because we enjoy the sound of our own voice?
Probably not…ever heard yourself on camera…answers that question.
Is it because we are prideful and think we know everything? Possibly. This could explain several situations. Everyone likes to “seem” like they know what they are talking about. We like to feel as if we have taught others something, that we have provided them valuable information.
I think the biggest reason we struggle to “seek first to understand” is because we are afraid of being misunderstood. This is truer today than any previous generation. We live in a society that is afraid of offending others. Why are we afraid?
It used to be relativism. We were afraid to state the truth because each person’s truth could be different and therefore we had to say and do things in a way that respected another’s freedom to disagree with us and the truth.
Some have said relativism is dead. It is now the age of moral absolutism. We are no longer free to respectfully disagree. Instead, we are tagged as “bad and evil” if we disagree with someone’s version of truth or what they are choosing to hold as true. Scary…but it is happening. If you take a moment to think of interactions you have witnessed, specifically on social media, you will quickly note examples of this moral absolutism.
So, despite this fear, why should we “seek first to understand” instead of layout of the 30 caveats to what we are about to say?
We may not need to give caveats, or much fewer qualifiers after we hear (and understand) what the other person is saying.
It will positively influence what we are going to say. Why waste our time going down a particular path if it is irrelevant to the conversation? Instead, keep your insights and contributions to the conversation beneficial.
You may not need to say anything (or very little). Perhaps the individual is able to verbally process their situation, questions, etc., and only needed you as a sounding board. Perhaps a couple of smiles, head nods, or “why’s?” enabled the individual to figure out the solution. Solutions are always better embraced, implemented, and understood when it is their idea.
The other person will feel HEARD. This will strengthen your relationship and the trust the other has in you. Trust is fundamental to being both a good leader and experiencing any successes in business.
You will learn A TON. Not only listen to what the other says but HOW they say it. Watch the non-verbals, listen to where they hesitate, what they emphasize, and when they look for your input or reaction.
LISTEN. Meet the other person where they are at in this moment. You are a leader who has an immense amount to learn from your people – you can do it very simply: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
